Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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