i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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