My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
