I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
