Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
