you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
