I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize