I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
