I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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