I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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