The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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