this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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