If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
