Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
