Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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