he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
