More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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