I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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