it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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