If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
