I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
