had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
