I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
