i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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