Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
