i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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