The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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