note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
