Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
