She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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