it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
