It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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