Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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