there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
