his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
