I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he puts the penis in happiness.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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