Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
