My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
