i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
