Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
