I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
