who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
