My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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