He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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