They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
