Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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