How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
