whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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