So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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