so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
