my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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