your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
