Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Boobs are out for the taking
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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