If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
