She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
