i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
