fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she smelled like a LAN party
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
