After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
