Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
