Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
